So I was watching re-runs of a strange little show from the 90s called Twin Peaks and I came across this. It says quite a lot to me about living in fear - or more importantly stepping back and deciding not to live in fear.
It's a dialogue between "our Hero" and the folks life sends to get in his way...or maybe the folks life sends to help him?? Special Agent Dale Cooper stands accused of something he hasn't done. Suspecting a set-up, and suspecting other, greater (spiritual) forces are at play, he decides to step out 'beyond the edge of the board' and refuse to play this particular game by the expected rules. He refuses to live in fear and to allow his actions to be dictated by self-protection. Against the expectations of his colleagues, he decides not to defend himself; having done no wrong he will let whatever happens, happen:
Special Agent Dale Cooper: I have no defense. I am completely confident in the rightness of my actions. Some of it occurred outside of Bureau guidelines, and I will pay the price for that. But I am innocent of any criminal wrongdoing. If they wish to charge me, I will defend myself in a court of law.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: Dale. There's a right way and a wrong way to do this. And the first thing we expect is for a Bureau man to stand up for himself. A man who can't, who doesn't even try, well, he may be packing feathers where his spine is supposed to be.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: Roger. I know the moves I'm supposed to make. And I know the board.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: So?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I've started to focus out beyond the edge of the board. On a bigger game.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: What game?
Special Agent Dale Cooper: The sound the wind makes through the vines. The sentience of animals. What we fear in the dark and what lies beyond the darkness.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: What the hell are you talking about?
Special Agent Dale Cooper:I'm talking about seeing beyond fear, Roger. About looking at the world with love.
FBI Agent Roger Hardy: They're liable to extradite you for murder and drug trafficking.
Special Agent Dale Cooper: These are things I cannot control.
Now call me dramatic, but I think this exchange is one of those neat little moments with DENSITY. By that I mean, I could read it (or watch it) on any given day and see something different.
Today, in part, it reminded me that taking a decision to side-step, or go beyond fear is actually a very simple thing when it comes. It sounds baffling and mysterious until then. The concept of living beyond fear is very Zen, very "out there", something to be achieved after a lifetime's work, at the culmination of some great epiphany. But ultimately, in reality, it can be very simple, almost mundane. Inevitable, even. Agent Cooper made a decision to stand by his principles, serve a higher path and all of a sudden things become very simple. This is something I can relate to.
Now, please understand me. I am not saying that today I live beyond or without fear. That would make me superhuman. No more do I claim to be an 'enlightened being' (I think these two ideas are linked though, they are equally misunderstood in terms of some kind of 'spiritual attainment', as something to be achieved in some way - more on this in a later blog, perhaps). But I am saying that I have faced similar moments in my life, and decided at various times to live beyond fear, to look to the 'bigger game'. The smaller game - how do I protect myself and survive in a hostile world - can be transcended by acknowledging and stepping in to a larger game...or so I believe, and so my experience tells me.
The problem with such moments, besides their lack of permanence, and lack of universal effect (they often only seem to work with one thing at a time), is that they involve decision and action. A decision taken in the face of fear and, almost invariably, action I do not wish to take. In fact, from a 'spiritual perspective', the most important and decisive moments in my life, I believe, will almost inevitably involve the most fear. Like Agent Cooper, in order to step out 'beyond the board' and live my life under different terms, I will ALWAYS have to step through the veil of fear that keeps me locked into this 'smaller game' that I spend most of my life playing. So throughout my life, I have made less progress than I might have because fear has kept me locked into the smaller game. I believe this is a common experience and the greatest bar to human progress.
So in the face of self-interest, laziness and fear, why would Agent Cooper choose not to defend himself? I think that's an interesting question and one that I won't try to answer. I believe he drops us some clues though; "I'm talking about seeing beyond fear, Roger. About looking at the world with love". Why on earth would one choose to do that? To look at the world with compassion, whatever the personal cost, even though there would be no obvious benefit to anyone? Unless one were playing by a different set of rules, in a bigger game. A game with higher stakes, I like to think...
This kind of thinking, this kind of action, always used to baffle me - impress me, but baffle me. Like the admonition that Gandhi apparently never made - to "Be the change you want to see in this world", it sounds great but how?? And why should we let THEM get away with whatever they're getting away with in the meantime?? Because I never understood, I had never stepped out beyond the limits of what I knew, or the limits of my own perspective and experience...
So that's roughly what this blog will be about...a few musings, a lot of rambling and my own experience of trying to look out to and play beyond the edges of the board...pardon me in advance if it's a little self-indulgent. I can be a little wordy sometimes and I can be a little self-important, I'm working on them both. If you will indulge me though I HOPE it might be useful to someone else out there. And of course, comments and criticisms welcome!
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